Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Mayor Sadiq Khan Unveils Ambitious New Benches

A nice firm Stoo1: Photo property of No Working Title

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, is set to unveil ‘the benches of London’s tomorrow’ in the coming weeks.
This will be the first in a string of daring new vanity projects that will seek to solidify his legacy as an eccentric visionary to rival mayors past.

The new one-seater bench, a masterpiece of modern design known as Stoo1, will bring urban reclining solutions in ergonomic single-occupancy units.

Many of the world’s leading furniture designers sent drawings and samples of Stoo1 to the mayor’s office for his inspection. It was the Mayor himself that decided which sample of Stoo1 would end up spread across London’s streets.

When asked by NWT reporters whether replacing London’s benches with single-seat ones would have a detrimental impact on rough sleepers, Khan replied, “Don't worry, our Stoo1s won't be too hard.”

Thursday, 12 January 2017

The Marxists Behind Tate Modern Switch House

Herzog and de Meuron, the shadowy architects behind Tate Modern’s Switch House, give titillating tell-all about London’s most controversial viewing platform.

Was the Tate Modern's Switch House designed by anti-capitalist provocateurs?  –Yes.

23:15 Thursday 12 January 2017

The Switch House, by Herzog and de Meuron, courted scandal in the second half of 2016 when it became apparent visitors could see into nearby Neobank luxury apartments. The residents complained after their demented, vacuous lives were put on public display.Yet statements from the architects themselves indicate this was all part of a plan.

Speaking to NWT correspondents, Jacques Herzog explained, “All controversy caused was intentional. But we originally set our ‘sights’ higher”.

Neobank: Aftermath of Bunga bunga party hastily tidied away.
“What we really wanted, was an apartment-block layered by social class. The oppressed working class would live on the lower floors and the bourgeoisie would be on top, like in the film High Rise with Tom Hiddleston.” 

“We hoped that having inequality thrust in their faces, the residents of the lower floors would take over the complex and throw their bourgeois neighbours off the roof. But it wasn't feasible since ground floor flat by the river alone sets you back £3M”.

“That’s when we came up with the Switch House project,” joins in de Meuron. “We had already explored the idea of “peeping” in the past. We built Oxford University’s Blavatnik School of Government, making it totally see-through. I mean, you could see absolutely everything. Its design expressed the need to expose rampant government corruption. Despite what many said, the fact you could see into the washrooms was merely incidental”.

UoOxford Blavatnik School of Govt. Washroom facilities not visible from this angle

“For the Switch House we found a space in the Tate Modern, at one time a power station. It was a symbolic choice, a cathedral for the working class. It's this huge brown building surrounded by sleek, shiny neighbouring towers... It sort of looks like a massive turd in a silver punch bowl. That's also kind of symbolic isn't it? And it's free entry to the public.” said an excited de Meuron.

“We knew the nearby glass towers were home to London’s rich.” continued Herzog. “Glass is modern, its aspirational, its elegant. But it's also see-through. And we like that."

At this point de Meuron leans in: “This project sought to remind those living in the towers: We see you watching Top Gear reruns on your 65-inch Beovision TV… We see you weeping inconsolably in your Hans Grohe rain shower after paying someone to make sure nothing goes wrong during your auto-erotic asphyxiation sessions. To us you are nothing more than rats in a glass cage. Remember we are watching.”

We interviewed the director of the Tate Modern, Frances Morris, to see if the Switch House project was having its desired effect:

It's lovely having stewardship over the Switch House. Seeing into our neighbours' homes gives me such inspiration. The owners of Neobank Apartment 9, Block C have furnished their lounge with a Michel Corner sofa by B&B Italia. Not for the feint-of-heart at £12,000rrp

Thankfully my generous salary permits inspiration to become reality. I have one on order, so I'll no longer have to gaze endlessly at it across a yawning urban ravine through a window into someone else's living-room.

Thursday, 17 November 2016

27 EU Member States Terrified of Losing Out on UK Food Exports

This culinary masterpiece will soon be missing from European dinner tables 

Thursday 17 November 2016

Sources close to top EU bureaucrats reported on Wednesday that there is mounting horror on the continent that ordinary, honest, hard-working European families will soon have to survive without the famously epicurian gastronomy of the British Isles.

Italian finance minister, Carlo Calenda, went head to head with Bozo Jojo, tousle-haired British foreign secretary, yesterday. Their meeting centred around some boring but crucial issue pertaining to leaving EU, which the vast majority of voters Rightly ignored during the EU referendum.

Bozo Jojo quickly took the upper hand in the confrontation. When Calenda threatened turning off the tap to Jojo's private source of Italian sparkling wine, Jojo retorted that if he did that the UK would cease all exports of their highly prized food stuffs to the continent, leaving the Italian finance minister thunderstruck and unable to respond.

The United Kingdom has long been envied for its nutritious delicacies, and there are deepening fears on the continent that without the UK in the single market, the remaining 27 EU members may have to subsist on inferior French and Italian cuisine.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

Heart-wrenching: Extra Receives Brutal Blow to Head on Set

Saturday 01 October 2016

Two year old footage has emerged showing an extra working on BBC's Wolf Hall being struck on the head by a large wooden cross. It is unclear if the incident was accidental or the result of malicious intent. The extent of the injuries sustained by the extra remains unknown.
The previously unnoticed footage appears in the forth episode of the mini-series and was discovered by NWT corespondents.

The identity of the uncredited extra is also unknown, but scrutiny is mounting over the BBC’s treatment of background actors.
The charity foundation, BASH, (Background Actors Support and Help) has launched a campaign to raise awareness of the growing number of incidents of unprovoked violence against support staff on film and TV sets.

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Met Issue Final Warning to English Eccentric

Wednesday 21 September 2016

London’s Metropolitan Police have issued an ominous warning to local eccentric, Charlie Davidson, saying that this would be his last before police are obliged to take him into custody, urging him to “tone it down a bit”.

Davidson, best known to the area simply as ‘Moped Mirrors Man’, responded with complete bewilderment.

“Final warning? This is the first warning! What crime am I being charged with?”

A police spokesperson declined to comment further on the matter when contacted by reporters.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

French Arthouse Film Wows Audiences with Sparse Dialogue and Lingering Tracking Shots of Outdoors

Tuesday 13 September

French arthouse film, Evolution, has caused a sensation in British cinemas, stunning audiences with it’s minimalist script and its extreme slow cutting, filling out the plot with numerous drawn-out takes of background scenery.

“I normally hate foreign films,” says cinema goer Timothy Bassett, “I don’t read books, so why would I want to read two hours of film subtitles? But this film must only have had a dozen or so lines of dialogue. Brilliant.”

“They really built the anticipation for the third act with that five-minute-long take of a rocky, twilit shoreline. My heart was in my mouth!” says fellow film enthusiast, Bella Morgan.

Spoilers Ahead!

Not to be confused with the mediocre 2001 American comedy of the same name, Evolution centres around a group of island dwelling boys, artificially impregnated and forced to bear young by a clan of weird, matronly women. The film urges male viewers to be thankful nature has allowed them to forgo the macabre medical horrors women must take for granted.

Saturday, 16 July 2016

President Erdoğan Assures Own YouTube Subscribers Turkey Still Proper Country

President Erdogan addressing the 'Erdofans' Saturday morning

16 July 2016

Following last night's attempted coup d'état, Turkish president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, took to YouTube to issue a tearful plea to his followers to ignore online trolls who say "Turkey isn't even a proper country" it has emerged.

The president called upon his followers, known as 'Erdofans', to brigade the social media accounts of opposition figures and critics with downvotes and negative comments. "Show the haters how much of a proper country Turkey is!" Erdoğan urged, "Let's get 100 dislikes on their most recent post in the next five minutes!"

The Turkish President, who as of noon on Saturday had 85,859 YouTube subscribers, added "If my channel reaches 100,000 subs in the next 48 hours I'll do the 'Ghost Pepper Challenge'!"